Being an adult orphan amid pandemic

A few days ago, a friend sent me a video on loneliness, which showed the number of connections people usually make in their lives. The smallest circle was with family members where there were five connections. After I realised that I do not have those five connections, something clicked in my mind. Is this the reason behind my anxiety attacks? Right now, when the whole world is enveloped in pandemic anxiety, mental health issues are being discussed openly. One of the frequent pieces of advice you come across is : “Talk to friends and family.” However, there might be people who, like me, have lost their parents. There might be people who have to be a caregiver for a sibling.

There might also be others who have been depressed for so long that reaching out and making friends can look like an indomitable task. During this pandemic, where death hangs like the Sword of Damocles, people who have seen death multiple times might re-live the experiences once more, undoing all the hard work they might have put to restore themselves after the tragedies. There are multiple layers of fear - of death, of losing another loved one, of being seen as a weak person, of losing job, of being stuck in a medical emergency, and of returning to the same, old abyss. But yet, as Emily Dickinson had said, ‘hope sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all.’

Even if you have hit the rock bottom and then some more, a dekko at the gibbous moon can tell you that there are a few things which are functioning on their own. Maybe, we can too. Even on a bad day, you can fill your mind your music and shut it for a while. You will also notice that the fragrance of cinnamon tea is still registered by your brain, and a cat’s insistent nudges force you to respond. In these small ways, you will live, and on some days, that is enough. And the best part is you will find kindness - loads of it, and you will find friends, too. Being an adult orphan and living alone during a pandemic is tough. However, there are a few things that have helped me. Hope it helps you too. 

Forgive yourself: On a few days, you might not achieve much. The food you prepared might not turn out the way you expected, or you might have missed a doctor’s appointment. Turn off the pesky critical voice in your head and rest. You can attempt again the next day.

E-essentials: Try to find digital p l a t f o r m s which you can use to buy groceries, consult doctors, receive payments etc. Once you get these out of the way, you can be assured about getting help without a n y h u m a n intervention.

Maintain a routine: This is really tough, but doing this helped me tide over my earlier crises. Eating food and sleeping on time go a long way in assuring good mental health. Celebrate progress, however small.

Find what brings you joy: Books? Food? Music? Movies? Find things which help take your mind off the things around you.

Be your own cheerleader: Being in a vulnerable spot can attract a lot of pity, attention and advice. Though you might be looking for words of comfort, a lot of things that people (including therapists) say might not resonate with you. At such times, you must stick by your own side, and recognise that you are allowed to tread a different path.

Crying: It is a great way to let out pent-up stress. Do not see it as a sign of weakness. Grieve when you need to.

Be careful about sharing your story: Not having a family will leave you in a constant state of vulnerability, seeking connection. You might open up to a person who does not care about your story, or can even take advantage of you. A good friend will give you a safe space to vent out. She will support you through actions, not merely through words.

Patience: There will be periods when there will be a lot of pain, and there will be no one to turn to. On such days (and nights), you accept your situation and wait for the tide to change.

Seek help: In the midst of this gloom, there are people who will help you. Follow your gut and seek out people who do not judge or pity you. You will be surprised by how you will always find the person you need.

Restrict social media: Cannot stress this enough. You will immediately start feeling better once you detach from the virtual world, and muster the courage to be alone with your thoughts. 

(Published in Hyderabad Express on June 1) https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.newindianexpress.com/cities/hyderabad/2020/jun/01/being-an-adult-orphan-amid-pandemic-2150932.amp